yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
