I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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