mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think my fart just growled at me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
