we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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