He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My vagina is officially offended.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
