In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
People with herpes should wear stickers.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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