I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
