I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
