I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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