Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
