just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
