I think I won the penis lottery.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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