It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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