Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
