Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
