im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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