I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
