I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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