I heard we made out
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
