I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
