If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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