Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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