I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
