I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We are all done wearing pants today
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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