***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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