Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
