Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize