How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize