I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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