Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
