She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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