I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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