hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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