How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
