you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
