My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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