Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
