yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
