I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
