I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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