if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
