btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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