I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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