I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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