Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
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