turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
