Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
