It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
And then he peed in my hair
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