Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
