I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
