You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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