Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
