I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i now understand why vodka
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
