Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
