I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
