The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I checked into jail on foursquare
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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