I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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