so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
