just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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