Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
